What just happened? I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to feel. I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m numb.
No worries. These are not thoughts and feelings that I am experiencing now, but there was a time that I felt this way. After years of hoping and dreaming my dreams seemed to be finally coming true. Then things took a turn, a turn in the opposite direction. I was left devastated.
I have always been a person with a strong belief system, especially concerning the Word of God. Yet, here I was confused, disappointed, and broken-hearted. Add to that some very strong medications that I was taking for medical treatment, I was not in a good place. I didn’t know what I believed any longer. The disappointment was too much. The pain was too much. I went numb.
I don’t know how to describe this other than to say it hurt to talk, so I didn’t. I was silent for days. Then slowly I began to climb out of the pit, but still I wasn’t talking much. I wasn’t saying anything about what I believed, and that was highly unusual for me.
A slight uneasiness started to creep into my heart. I felt like I wasn’t trusting God and that I was disappointing Him because I wasn’t sure what I believed any longer. I was going through a crisis of faith.
I finally ventured out of the house to attend a small ladies gathering at my church. Worship started. I went through the motions. I felt nothing.
The song we were singing was Nothing Is Impossible by Planetshakers. I was singing, but still numb. Then I heard the words coming from my mouth, “I believe, I believe/I believe, I believe in You.” Suddenly the words were not just coming from my mouth anymore. They were coming from my heart.
I was still hurting. I was still recovering. I still wasn’t sure what I believed. However, there was one thing I did know, no matter what I still believed in God. I realized that you can’t be afraid of disappointing someone you don’t believe in. I believed in Him and that would never, ever, ever change.
But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. Hebrews 11:6
I believe in You!!!